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Author
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Comment
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zz9
Scooby
(1/21/03 2:19:26 pm)
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How many people can I offend....
> Q : Why don't women fart?
> A :They never close their mouths long enough to build up pressure.
> Q : What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
> A: 45 lbs.
>
> Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
> A: 45 minutes.
>
> Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
> A: Sexual harassment.
>
> Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
> A: £3.99 a minute.
>
> Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
> A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
>
> Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
> A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
>
> Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
> A: Marriage.
>
> Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what
> have you done wrong?
> A: Made her chain too long.
>
> Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
> A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
>
> Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
> A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
>
>
> Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
> A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over
> them for life.
>
> Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
> A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish
>
> Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
> caring, and good-looking?
> A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
>
> Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
> A. A padded headboard.
>
> Q. How do men sort their laundry?
> A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
>
> Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
> A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
>
> Q. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
> A. Because men fake foreplay.
>
> Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
> A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
>
> Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
> A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention
> of driving.
>
> Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
> A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
>
> Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
> A. A golden retriever.
>
> Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
> A. A mechanic
>
> Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
> A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
> donuts.
>
> Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
> A. She is the one who can eat the last donut
>
> Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
> A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
> refrigerator.
>
> Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
> A. A battery has a positive side.
>
> Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who
> has the biggest breasts?
> A. The blonde, because she's 18.
>
> Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths? >
> A. shagging in the bath is disgusting.
>
> Q. What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother?
> A. You can negotiate with the terrorist
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faithconvict
Slayer
(1/21/03 2:22:48 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
Honey... you offend me, and I don't even have to read your funny little jokes.
"Why is the Slayer here anyway? She's a student, she's a construction worker, and now she's some kind of selling-stuff person? -Andrew, Life Serial |
notevil 
Slayer
(1/21/03 2:32:02 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
Q : Why don't women fart?
> A :They never close their mouths long enough to build up pressure.
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pureevil 
Scooby
(1/21/03 2:33:50 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
I am deeply offended by the remarks that you have made  for that you must sleep with the fishes at the bottom of the BN moat (figuretively speaking, of course) 
"Have you ever seen that Blue Man Group? Total ripoff of the smurfs. And the smurfs, THEY
SUCK!!!" Homer Edited by: pureevil at: 1/21/03 2:46:59 pm
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faithconvict
Slayer
(1/21/03 2:34:09 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
notevil... i like your little angry red man!!! he is cute!
grrrrrr! argh!
oh... and zed... you still offend!
"Why is the Slayer here anyway? She's a student, she's a construction worker, and now she's some kind of selling-stuff person? -Andrew, Life Serial |
Paike
Slayer
(1/21/03 3:04:39 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
zz9, I'm offended...not by your jokes, not by your presence, but that little red car under your name! UGH! It's disgusting and I can't abide by it!
________________________________________________________________
Xena would probably think Superman is a fruit.
She'd distract him with something like,
"Hey, look at that run in your tights!"
then stuff him back into his telephone booth.
~ Lucy Lawless, Maxim Magazine, April '99 |
faithconvict
Slayer
(1/21/03 3:23:22 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
 Paike! You said "abide by it"!
"Why is the Slayer here anyway? She's a student, she's a construction worker, and now she's some kind of selling-stuff person? -Andrew, Life Serial |
Gem28 
Scooby
(1/21/03 3:45:05 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
Those jokes are meant to be offensive? I've heard more offensive jokes from my four year old cousin! 
There we British sat, poor grey sodden creatures, huddling under our grey northern sky that seeped like a rancid dish cloth, busy sending those we wished to punish most severely to sit in bright sunlight on the coast of the Tasman Sea at the southern tip of the Great Barrier Reef and maybe do some surfing too. No wonder the Australians have a particular kind of smile that they reserve exclusively for use on the British. Douglas Adams 'The Salmon of Doubt' |
faithconvict
Slayer
(1/21/03 3:57:01 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
If men in England only shower when they shag.... then the men in England must reek to high heaven!
"Why is the Slayer here anyway? She's a student, she's a construction worker, and now she's some kind of selling-stuff person? -Andrew, Life Serial |
zz9
Scooby
(1/21/03 5:10:06 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
Quote:
If men in England only shower when they shag
Once every day FC, and twice every sunday.
And for Paike, another picture of my car. Well not mine, but same model and colour.
Mind you, that one is cleaner than mine....
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faithconvict
Slayer
(1/21/03 5:25:51 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
I meant with another person in the room zed...
"Why is the Slayer here anyway? She's a student, she's a construction worker, and now she's some kind of selling-stuff person? -Andrew, Life Serial |
zz9
Scooby
(1/21/03 6:26:40 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
Quote:
I meant with another person in the room zed...
Only one?
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faithconvict
Slayer
(1/21/03 6:32:19 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
Yes... yes... very cheeky zed...
see, what I was doing there was... oh nevermind! 
"Why is the Slayer here anyway? She's a student, she's a construction worker, and now she's some kind of selling-stuff person? -Andrew, Life Serial |
glitterysparkles 
Scooby
(1/21/03 7:12:27 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
Well I thought they were funny!
Quote:
> Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
> caring, and good-looking?
> A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
----~~----
My brother, my captain, my King.
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WiCk3d SlAy3r 
Fresh Blood
(1/21/03 8:25:15 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
Those were funny 
The Whys of Men.
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(Because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(They don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(They don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(Because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock) (You're
laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(You need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(Don't know...it never happened)
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And my personal favorite:
8.WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
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Paike
Slayer
(1/22/03 7:40:24 am)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
OMG!!!!
I love those, Muse!
...and, yes, I did laugh at the "snoring" joke. 
________________________________________________________________
Xena would probably think Superman is a fruit.
She'd distract him with something like,
"Hey, look at that run in your tights!"
then stuff him back into his telephone booth.
~ Lucy Lawless, Maxim Magazine, April '99 |
synnamin 
Board Goddess
(1/22/03 9:02:53 am)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
~Muse~That was really funny!!!
Do you like daisies? Hmm? I plant them, but they always die. Everything I put in the ground withers and dies.-Dru-School Hard-
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darkmage7280
Slayer
(1/22/03 9:31:58 am)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
~Did you know that women feel a tickling feeling between their toes when they see goodlooking men?
Between their big toes, that is...
~"Oh allmighty God", said Adam. "I want a mate. Please make me one!"
"Alright", replied God. "I'll make you a woman. She'll be nice, loving, warm, supportive, loyal and smart. But I'll need your liver, your right arm, your legs, half of your brains and lungs as well as your kidneys to create her."
"Hmm, that's quite pricey", Adam replied. "What do I get with one rib?"
"Is this some Euro-thing?" -Malcolm
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purity 
Rogue Demon Hunter
(1/24/03 5:42:09 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
Here's some for the girls
Why don't men have mid-life crises
They stay stuck in adolescence
I married mr Right
I just didn't know his name was Always
What's the difference between a man and ET?
ET phoned home
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
Half an hour of begging
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes
What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A candlelit football stadium
He does not get falling down drunk
he becomes accidentally horizontal
What do you have when you've got two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention
Sorry guys
~Facts are chains that bind perception and fetter truth. For a man can remake the world if he has a dream and no facts to cloud his mind~ |
Gem28
Scooby
(1/26/03 4:08:32 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
lol Purity.
There's one that's a lot like your falling down drunk one-
Men do not get pissed
they become socially confused.
Not as funny as yours but I thought I'd share anyway!
There we British sat, poor grey sodden creatures, huddling under our grey northern sky that seeped like a rancid dish cloth, busy sending those we wished to punish most severely to sit in bright sunlight on the coast of the Tasman Sea at the southern tip of the Great Barrier Reef and maybe do some surfing too. No wonder the Australians have a particular kind of smile that they reserve exclusively for use on the British. Douglas Adams 'The Salmon of Doubt' |
darkmage7280
Slayer
(1/26/03 4:39:44 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
Allright, in the name of my gender, here's a little comeback :
Women are like guns; keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.
How do you know if your wife is dead?
-Sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
-Battery has a positive side.
Why are hangovers better than women?
-Hangovers eventually go away.
Did you hear about revolutionary device that reduces the noise pollution of cars by 98%?
-Yup, duct tape over her mouth.
Why do women like intelligent men?
-Opposite attract.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
-Pregnant.
Then the píece de la resistance...
What's similar between women and condoms?
-Both spend majority of their time in men's wallets than around their willies.
"Oh, you've gotta be kidding... Are YOU what qualifies as a Slayer here?!"-Malcolm
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purity
Angel Investigator
(1/27/03 11:20:01 am)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
Ok then, here's some more
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time
He is not afaird of commitment;
he's just monogamously challenged
He does not eat like a pig;
he suffers from reverse bulimia
Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3in floppy
Why are men like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul ordors and, half the time they don't work
Why is a man a man like a snowstorm?
Because you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he'll stay
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being
~Facts are chains that bind perception and fetter truth. For a man can remake the world if he has a dream and no facts to cloud his mind~ |
darkmage7280
Slayer
(1/27/03 12:23:25 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
This means war...
Brief dictionary of women's language:
YES: "No!"
YOU'RE RIGHT, HONEY: "You're wrong, *sshole!"
I COULD GIVE THIS A TRY...: "...but I don't wanna."
HAVE I TOLD YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU?: "I saw this mink coat on a store today..."
THANK YOU FOR BORROWING THE CAR, HONEY: "I'm sure you don't mind that I wrecked your Camaro."
HOW NICE TO BRING ME FLOWERS, HONEY: "All right, what do you want?"
SURE YOU CAN GO OUT WITH YOUR BUDDIES: "Go ahead, leave me alone and guzzle beer with those layabouts."
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HONEY?: "Now what is that supposed to mean?"
"Oh, you've gotta be kidding... Are YOU what qualifies as a Slayer here?!"-Malcolm
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mrblackadder
Slayer
(1/27/03 12:48:23 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
You'll only get this one if you live in England,
How can you tell when a Barnsley girl has an orgasm?
She drops her chips...
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zz9
Slayer
(1/27/03 1:13:22 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
How does an Essex girl turn the light on after sex?
Opens the car door.
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darkmage7280
Slayer
(1/27/03 2:19:16 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
How do you warm up a Finnish woman?
-Set her on fire.
Just in case Devilspawn's getting angry, here's one for her:
How do you turn on a Finnish man?
-Rub yourself with beer and dress in hockey gear.
"Oh, you've gotta be kidding... Are YOU what qualifies as a Slayer here?!"-Malcolm
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purity
Angel Investigator
(1/27/03 5:04:57 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
hehehe
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on first name terms with the one who makes all their decisions
He does not act like a total ar**hole;
he develops a case of Rectal-Cranial Inversion
Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the s**t out of you
Why do men wnat to marry virigins?
They can't stand criticism
~Facts are chains that bind perception and fetter truth. For a man can remake the world if he has a dream and no facts to cloud his mind~ |
Gem28
Scooby
(1/28/03 3:11:31 am)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
zz and MrB- Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
There we British sat, poor grey sodden creatures, huddling under our grey northern sky that seeped like a rancid dish cloth, busy sending those we wished to punish most severely to sit in bright sunlight on the coast of the Tasman Sea at the southern tip of the Great Barrier Reef and maybe do some surfing too. No wonder the Australians have a particular kind of smile that they reserve exclusively for use on the British. Douglas Adams 'The Salmon of Doubt' |
mrblackadder
Slayer
(1/28/03 12:33:14 pm)
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Re: How many people can I offend....
Purity!
ZZ9 I have heard that one. Essex girls and Barnsley girls, eh?
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